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ok. i'm changing LJ accounts... just because this current username wasn't supposed to become what it became so i'm going to go ahead and switch to my regular username for everything - needle_spoon
so. add needle_spoon to your friends list if you'd like to keep me as a friend. that's what i'm using from here on out.
peace. |
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Aug. 15th, 2004 @ 01:13 am
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not for me, well... not in any obvious, jump out at ya, way. s'for anyone who's lost someone. and that's you. it's everyone. we're losing everyday.
I've been so alone for so long
Forgotten by the world forgotten to myself
Your effervescent eyes have awakened me
And brushed the dust away...
But I knew you'd never stay
So I memorized the color of your eyes
As I lost myself inside you
I memorized the way our legs entwined
As I drifted off beside you
============
[never.stay]
never stay, it doesnt surprise me
never stay, i wont let this kill me
never stay, empty bed and cold pillows
never stay, but you do stay... stay away
was there a time when it wasnt like this?
clinging to fears and single tears...
wipe them away but it's ok
because you never stay
how can i still smell you
and feel your skin, your hair?
ill never forget that day
when you decided to never stay
loneliness is a part of life
but the pain is part of death
i wish there was only another way
to forget why you can never stay
============
I've been so alone for so long...
I forgot how much it hurts to wake up so alone...
But I'd memorized how warm your body felt
As you lay half asleep beside me
And I memorized the way the sunlight filled the room
And played upon your body...
you can't forget the ones you love, loved, and will love. they are as much a part of you as the air you breathe, the food you eat, and the emotions you feel. even when they are gone. sure you can try... but you never really forget. a certain smell, a rainy day, a song... something always reminds you. in the back of your head or screaming in your face it's always there. how can you deal with this? how can you move on without that building block, that standing stone, that invincible pillar that held your life up for so long?
you can't. you don't move on. you remember. you force yourself to remember. you let the tears come when they need to and you let yourself be sad when you need to. they're still a part of you and you can't deny that. i can't tell you how it ceases to become heart-breaking and... bearable but it does happen.
what it comes down to is you. everything's a part of you. you're it. you're the one. you're the center. you're the reason. it's you. good luck replacing that.
I miss, God I miss, waking up beside you...Current Mood:  lonely Current Music: stabbing westward - waking up beside you |
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nonsense =
before you can expect anything from anyone else you must first expect it from yourself.
truth, love, comfort, happiness...
how can you take from others what you yourself can't define and give?
:: open eyes, open heart. open up and fall apart. ::
i think that no one thinks anymore... not thinks as in concious thought, we have plenty of that, but as in actually thinking. it's just another day for everyone else. yet for me... every second, every moment, is an eternity of... wonder, regret, inquisition. why? why? why? i feel like i'm 5 sometimes.
:: i'll be that burden you bear. ::
i won't say that i didn't give it my all. yet i feel there's something missing. just out of reach...Current Mood: apathetic Current Music: finger eleven - shudder |
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hopeless ramblings...
============
i'm alive... of that i'm fairly sure. everything else is debatable. i like cats and really large dogs. music is a wonderful thing. any world besides this one is infinetly more interesting. the internet being one of those. someone somewhere gives a fuck but not anyone near or anyone you know. zombies, pirates, and ninjas are the cheesiest/coolest thing ever. i think... i try not to (think that is) but it happens anyways. being sad is just as important as being happy. good grammar sucks.
============
words only mean so much when said so automatically. i am not a robot though i'm trained to be one everyday. buy this. say that. enjoy the refreshing taste of this worthless junk that will only make you feel like shit.
============
life is perspective but nobody can survive thier own reality. hence the whole death thing. the world is so beautiful through other eyes. yet it's our own eyes that are the most beautiful. so why must we seek to tear them out and blind ourselves? is it the blood on our hands or supposed acts of control over our own fate?
============
i'm not like this all the time. just when it hits me. and it's hitting me. i have the bruises to prove it. if you can't think for yourself (or think at all i guess) then you're dead. being dead sucks. probably.
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so that's me. simply complicated. ha. like i could explain myself using letters strung together to make words.Current Mood:  hopeful Current Music: a perfect circle - a stranger |
| » :: i'm seeking a friend for the end of the world :: |
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trying to sleep... but can't.
Hello, I know there's someone out there who can understand
And who's feeling the same way as me
I'm twenty-four and I've got everything to live for
But I know now that it wasn't meant to be
'Cause all has been lost and all has been won
And there's nothing left for us to save
But now I know that I don't want to be alone today
So if you find that you've been feeling just the same
the end of the world begins anew everyday. in a world where there's only you and everything's said and done... how can it be anything but boring?
for me the end of the world has already happened and is happening. how do you really find the will to live in a world that shouldnt exist for you? it's not loneliness it's forced isolation. or is it even forced? and why doesnt it feel bad? there's something comforting in a torn reality and a broken life.
after much thought though...
it's nice. everything's gone. everything has been talked about. sites seen, places visited, time spent, secrets told, no commitments left unfulfilled, no loves forgotten. you can just sit back and watch it all crumble. cherish every moment it breaks. front row seats - one for me and one extra. rock star parking. all day. every day. watching the end of the world.
Call me now it's alright
It's just the end of the world
You need a friend in the world
'Cause you can't hide
So call and I'll get right back
If your intentions are pure
I'm seeking a friend for the end of the world
Aug. 3rd, 2004 @ 01:58 am
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| » :: i'm fucking terrified :: |
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this week has been way to tiring...
so i'm not going to post anything of mine tonight (though i'll either post or reply to what i'm gonna post now soon, tomorrow night maybe?)
old song but fits our world today -
DAY AFTER DAY INNOCENT PEOPLE ARE BEING DEPORTED,
INTERROGATED AND TORTURED- PUT THROUGH THE THIRD DEGREE
FUNDAMENTALIST FORCES ARE UNDERMINING THE INTEGRITY
OF LIBERAL AND DEMOCRATIC POLITICAL STRUCTURES
RADICAL ANARCHISTS, FASCISTS AND TERRORISTS ARE RESPONSABLE
FOR THE VIOLENCE
OUR SOCIETIES ARE SATURATED WITH BLOODLUST,
SENSATIONALISM AND VIOLENCE AS A RESULT OF ALIENATION FROM ONESELF'S REALITY
HOW MUCH LONGER DO WE TOLERATE MASS MURDER
HAND-CUFFS AND SHACKLES WON'T FRIGHTEN US
NEITHER CATTLE-PROD NOR ELECTRICAL-WHIP WILL SILENCE US
WE SHALL USE ALL PEACEFUL MEANS TO OVERCOME TYRANNY
PERSIST AND MARCH ON
THEY CAN'T USE OUR SHAME AGAINST US
REGARDLESS OF RACE, SOCIAL STATUS OR GENDER
WE'RE ALL AFFECTED
Jul. 31st, 2004 @ 05:50 am
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| » (No Subject) |
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( stewie )
Jul. 24th, 2004 @ 06:48 pm
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| » :: emptiness a lonely parody and my life, another smokin gun, a sign of my indifference :: |
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gotta knock a little harder lyrics
where ya gonna go when ya can't even face yourself? you fight all these problems and you fight all these people but you're only fighting yourself.
enjoy that hole of yours. you can't dig your way out.
screaming in the mirror and crying yourself to sleep... what good has it done you so far? razors to your wrist and tears upon your cheeks are not reasons. they're just chains dragging you down further.
throw more wood upon the fire, memories ripe to burn. feed the flames until they shine so bright with emotions you can't control. fear of the simple things and the uncontrollable won't do any good tied around your neck.
ya gotta knock a little harder if ya gonna break down the door...
Jul. 18th, 2004 @ 04:18 am
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| » :: breath scented fuse locked together ever grim :: |
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ok. first off... do excuse the cursing. it's not my fault... i blame the booze. ha.
let's begin shall we?
first off... forget everything you've ever learned. accept that you are who you are... without corporate symbols, fancy clothes, and useful electronics. imagine yourself stranded upon a deserted island by yourself. that is who you are. that is who is inside you.
do this and you'll see the puppet show that everyone expects you to dance to. we aren't fucking puppets, though too many people dance to that tune.
break stuff. embrace your anger... some wise man once said "Anger is a Gift" and i believe that wholeheartedly. just use it in a somewhat constructive manner. from destruction comes creation. it's natural.
never sit still. never let yourself become stale... seek change seek chaos. order is comfort but comfort is a killer.
you are and that's the best thing that could ever happen. i won't say you're a fucking beautiful butterfly or you're special or unique. that's up to you to feel that crap. you can only be shown the door not pushed through it. if you can't do it for yourself then is it even worth doing? never accept anything ever tells you. everything should be taken with a grain of salt. that includes this little rant of mine. your ideas are your own... formulate them by yourself but allow yourself to be influenced.
last but not least...
REBEL! the only way you're going to make a change and have any say so in the world is by making yourself known. be it by art, music, writing, or standing on a box and screaming at people walking by.. DO IT!
Jul. 7th, 2004 @ 02:52 am
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| » :: who are we to judge what's right and what has purpose for us? :: |
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[reverance]
how long will this have purpose?
how long will we let the sun blind us?
there will come a time when this shall end
and we shall wish for another chance to begin
where will you be in the years to come?
when you've forgotten where you are from?
days away or years spent hiding inside
running away from this slowly crawling tide
time does what it will to you and me
existing in between the spaces of eternity
infinity exists in the blink of an eye
and lingers in the hollow of a stifled sigh
and yet we have done no wrong
by simple existence
we have proven
that we are.
Jul. 2nd, 2004 @ 05:04 am
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| » :: your last chance has arrived :: |
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for those i know who are having hard times...
change,
everything you are
and everything you were
your number has been called
fights and battles have begun
revenge will surely come
your hard times are ahead
there are times in everyone's life where things get rough, where times get hard, and life begins to look like a big steaming pile.
surprisingly those are the best times in your life. they may not be fun. they may not even bearable. yet these moments, these conflicts, these trials are what define you. they are what control who you are. not by what you percieve but your actions, your decisions, and the feelings that influence them.
these are not tribulations but chances. chances to change everything. to shout at the world... to scream and scream and scream...
best,
you've got to be the best
you've got to change the world
and you use this chance to be heard
your time is now
never give up...
Jun. 28th, 2004 @ 02:57 am
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| » :: a day late and a dollar short :: |
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from the deadjournal...
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THINK FOR YOURSELF. QUESTION AUTHORITY.
why ? why should you do this? why should you even question what has been told to you?
authority maintains control as the status quo until change is absolutely necessary. now why should you help the process? why should you put forth the extra effort to be something not everyone else is?
evolution. change. without questioning you can never improve. we'd be just like our parents... our ancestors. by questioning you accept chance, you accept what you could be and not what you are and what you have been. questioning is not making yourself insecure... it's not action. by questioning you will not stray from security of what is. you will seek to see what could be and the realm of infinite possibilities. if it's worthwile... then you will make the change, you will deviate from what is to what could be and what shall be.
ok... i believe that's enough rambling for now.... i shall wait for my friend the Sloshman to take up the slack. when he responds... so shall i.
Jun. 24th, 2004 @ 02:31 am
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| » :: who will be there to know that any of this had meaning for us? :: |
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(i think i'll post what i write in my deadjournal here in my livejournal... that way other people can read what i have written without having to go to deadjournal and post as Anonymous.)
one day... some day... i will remember this. i will remember us. i will remember everything and wonder why? why we tried so hard and fought for everything in vain. i shall wonder why we struggled against the darkness that we must all return to.
but is it all wrong? who is to judge what we are and what we should be? shall every life be as it wants to flicker and die as it sees fit? shall our designs be left unfinished? shall our wishes be left unfulfilled? can we accept the finality of eternity?
give up. accept. there is darkness and there is light. enjoy your time in each for it may not matter at all.
perhaps...
perhaps one day we shall recognize what we want and feel and fight no more...
perhaps...
perhaps... we shall give up and slip back into the shadows and return to whence we came...
who will be there to remember who we were?
Jun. 21st, 2004 @ 03:57 am
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| » :: Per Ardua Ad Astra :: |
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Submitted for A Bell Tolls In London -
So, it has come to this. I really expected much better or perhaps much worst. This shall work though.
I am Mister Stanton. That is what I am called and known by... so therefore it is what you shall call me. The beginning is perhaps the best place to start... so that is where I shall start.
I was born to a wealthy family. We have been in the paper business for untold generations and the Royal Family themselves have bought from the family from time to time as suit them. Childhood and Young Adulthood was spent learning everything a young gentleman should. I had no time for anything more though events always happened upon myself. There was also my business pursuits in my youth as well to keep me occupied. Especially that business with the University paper... Well now. Another time perhaps.
Most of my family, among my father's line, are able to ... now how should I put this? They can manifest certain powers... Some fancy themselves as Magicians. Pah! White rabbits and vanishing cards are for magicians. This is skill. This is talent. This is Art. This is power!
That is where my folly lies... I know now my greed went to far. I reached for too much. I shamed my family. This is acceptable however for all will righted again. The blemish shall vanish and the Stanton line shall stand proud once more.
Per Ardua Astra. Through Hardship to the Stars.
- Alec Stanton
Jun. 19th, 2004 @ 02:55 am
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| » :: my spirit impurified in everything i choose to say :: |
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how am i supposed to have hope in humanity when i look inside the mirror and see the worst example ?
heartless. selfish. mean. thoughtless. and evil covered by a simple smile...
*sigh* how did it come to this?
our time is running out
and our time is running out
you can't push it underground
we can't stop it screaming out
how did it come to this
you will suck the life out of me
Jun. 16th, 2004 @ 03:19 am
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| » :: no reason to be found why reason did fail :: |
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i suppose i should write at least something in here even though this account is just for roleplaying purposes and for replying to other people's livejournals (those who aren't cool enough to have a deadjournal) so i won't post in it. i do post in my deadjournal plenty though.
i shall leave ya with a thought...
Stand your ground this is what we are fighting for.
For our spirit and laws and ways.
Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war.
For heaven or hell we shall not wait.
Shall I think of honour as lies
or lament it's aged slow demise?
Shall I stand as a cold reminder
on this day in this stone chamber?
VNV Nation - Honour
Jun. 14th, 2004 @ 05:35 pm
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